When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
