Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
