I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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