Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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