She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
