I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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