There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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