So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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