I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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