last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
