Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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