just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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