the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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