she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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