If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
