I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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