As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
