Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im six kinds of drunk right now
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
