By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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