nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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