I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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