The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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