he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
