So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
try to milk me bitch
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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