Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Houston, we have a blender
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
