My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
