Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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