He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
