Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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