I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
