I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it glows. i had to have it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
