Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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