You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
