i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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