Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
