Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
