yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Randomize