I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
