Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
