Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
