we have pet lesbian snakes
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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