I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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