MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I could make wine with my vomit
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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