bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
