I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
