Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
