Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
