I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize