nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
