I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
