You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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