I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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