You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
