I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize
