So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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