Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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