This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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